Crowded Head

A great song by one of the top five bands in the entire known Universe, Collective Soul, and quite possibly my favourite song of all time (it certainly tops my list at the moment).  Also an extremely appropriate title for my latest little blast of nonsense. 

I’m finding it difficult to focus at the moment, my brain is brimming with thoughts but none of them is willing to step up and be the first to pour out in a coherent form.  I want to get back into writing fiction but I have too much going on up top to get anything down on paper, which is frustrating and unproductive.  My wife thinks it’s because I “hear voices”.  For the record I would like to clarify that I don’t “hear voices” in the usual sense (that being the audible perception of “other” voices – voices distinct from my own – that tell me to do things).  The way I have described it to my wife (or at least tried to) is that I have many subtle layers of vocal consciousness in my head.  As I speak (or type) I have a voice at the forefront of my mind (my voice, I hasten to add – I’m not Son of Sam) that says what I am saying.  Behind that voice, a touch more sotto voce, is another voice that says much the same thing, though sometimes worded differently, as the main voice.  This voice is also my own voice – not that of Satan or Legion or Bill Gates – and it slightly preceeds the main voice.  Behind that voice, yet more quietly, is another voice (again my own) which usually is thinking about something completely different, like whether the Steelers will win the next Superbowl, what chores I have to do, or how belly-button lint forms.  Further back still and I have the vague sense that there’s some coordination going on back there, and somewhere right near the back of the line is the awareness of my breathing, movement and so on.

Is that weird?  I know others who have a similar auditory hierarchy inside their heads, but then there are others (like my wife) who say they have no voices in their heads at all.  Presumably they don’t think in an audible form but in a more abstract pictoral form.  Maybe they do think in an audible form but are unaware of it. Or maybe I’m overanalysing.  Whatever it is, the brain’s a weird place.  My big problem is that the more things I have going on in my life the more voices I hear – or, to put it more diplomatically (and less psychotic-sounding), the more layers of my own consciousness I am aware of.  The more aware I am of my own thought processes, the harder I find it to present any of those thoughts coherently.

If a lot of stuff is going on in your life then you’d think that, as a writer, that would be a good thing – more stuff going on means more material to draw from and be inspired by.  Unfortunately, I find that “more things going on” is only really useful in retrospect.  Once all those things are sorted and out of the way I can start to use that experience to write.  At the moment, however, I’m still up to my ears in stuff and there’s no end in sight.  I love writing, so it would be a real shame for me if I was unable to write anything until life is less complicated because who knows when that will be?  Breaking into the writing business is never easy, but I seriously doubt there are many writers who broke in as octogenarians.  And even if that were possible, with my current stress levels am I even likely to live that long?  (If my grandfather is anything to go by then Yes I Am, since he’s like a well-spoken, grey-haired Energiser Bunny.)

So what can I do about my clogged brain?  I need to knuckle down and start sorting through all the stuff in my life, fixing the problems one at a time until I can get the crowd of thoughts in my head down to a manageable number.  That’s why I now have to go and decorate my living room – is that simply self-imposed stress or is it absolutely necessary?  Well, I’m a married man and my wife wants the living room decorated.  I think it counts as Absolutely Necessary.  A lick of Natural Calico doth soothe the sav…er…wife.  So I shall crack on with that then.

 TTFN